If you’ve ever been house hunting, you know just what a difficult, stressful time it could be. There’s so much you have to pay attention to: is this house in a good school zone? How is the water pressure in the shower? Which directions are the windows facing; is there enough light for your plants, and will the sun shine in your eyes in the morning? The list is endless! One of the most important questions on said list, of course, is whether or not your new house may be haunted by the restless spirits of the dead. While it is best to ask beforehand, sometimes it may take a little bit of time for hauntings to become clear. Here are some simple ways to diagnose a spirit infestation, with effective ways to clear up your problem for good! Have you placed something down and then immediately lost it? Some people will chalk this up to moving stress, but that’s just the stress talking. Clearly this is the work of otherworldly forces. This is one of the first major signs of hauntings. If you want to test if a residence comes pre-haunted by the post-deceased, the best way would be to put something really, really cool on the ground, turn around, and shout “I sure hope no one takes my cool stuff!” The best solution to this problem would be to break out the Ouija board, say hello, and spell out “Don’t touch my things, ghost jerk!” Usually, writing your name with a permanent marker on all your belongings helps too. Are your books and/or furniture constantly floating with an ominous hum? There are many playful spirits who enjoy making things hover, and significantly more malicious spirits! This is most likely to happen in haunted libraries and living rooms, and the plus side is it looks totally awesome! At this point, you don’t even have to think of a solution because you basically have the coolest floating library ever. If you insist upon having a stationary, less-cool library, if the spirit is repeatedly throwing copies of embarrassing books you tried to hide on the lower shelves of your collections, or if there’s a creepy clown doll anywhere in your house ever, you could try moving to a house not built on a cemetery.* If you hear the horrible beating of a tell-tale heart, you probably should not have killed a man. This one is on you. For shame. Have you been haunted in multiple locations? Oftentimes, this will start as a benign childhood haunting–odd drawings, whispers at night, and blaming your all-too-real imaginary friend for horrible deeds are common symptoms. This could move on to more violent incidents as a teen, including hovering or thrown objects (see above), paranoia, and sweaty palms. As an adult, you may move into a new home to find pictures of yourself as a child with your name on the back in some unknown handwriting, or your long-lost childhood doll, still wearing it’s ratty Victorian dress but now missing both its eyes. If this is the case, the spirit is likely haunting you instead of any specific location. The good new is the house you’ve bought is not haunted at all! The bad news is you are condemned to live with what is possibly a demon, and they never do dishes or pay rent. Bummer. Hopefully, your new home is phantom-free! Just be sure to steer clear of hitchhiking ghosts and spirit boards in order to keep your home in pristine condition. If at any point you become aware of any new presence, go through whatever items may have recently been brought in the home. Are they ancient, and pulsing with power you cannot comprehend or explain? Were they owned by someone who met a terrible, violent end? Are they literally human remains? All items in these categories should be sent to Goodwill or to lesser-liked relatives. Just play it safe and your home will be happy and haunt free! *Full disclosure, there are dead people everywhere. There are dead bodies, decomposing, deep under your feet right now. There is literally no escaping it. Sleep well.
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